lack of motivation

it's feeling awful lonely today.
today is one of those days where my program quits and i lose an hour of work. i have absolutely no desire to be here. why don't i just go learn some flash and do the work i want? because there is still life going on. ten hours a day on the computer at work doesn't make me rearing to go back to the laptop when i get home. it takes years to learn a new program, and i desperately want it to take a week.

i love being social, but every day this week i have something totally planned and i'd like to hit the gym at least twice. then the week's over - what about saturday? when do i get to see my grandparents? my cousins' children? sunday is church, more social fun that unfolds for the duration of sunday. i love it, but when is there really time for flash?

i want to get to the point where i can build a website in eight hours of hard work. where i can incorporate streaming music, clean graphics, maybe even a message board. i want to, before i'm thirty, be able to survive off of my own creative skills. maybe that's my realistic goal. i have musician friends right now who need what i want to be able to do, but if i'm patient enough i'll realize there will be new bands in five years, and the people i want to help now will need updating by then. i feel frantic when i don't really need to and it's amplified by my frustration at this machine that quits when i want it to save. thanks for nothing, OmniGraffle. thanks for feeding my lame karma this morning!

i'm totally surprised by the intensity of these feelings right now. i talked to an ex-boyfriend the other day, one of those wierd late night "just to say hi" calls that is made only to feel the other person out, but for the love of pete i can see right through it. so he asks how everything is going, and i very sincerely answer, "good. everything right now is just... really, really good." and it is.

but still. onward and upward.
Christ. (shortest prayer i ever uttered)

email from work

SEND THIS EMAIL TO AS MANY PEOPLE AS YOU CAN AND AS QUICKLY AS YOU CAN! TOMORROW IS THE BIG DAY!!!!!!

----- Forwarded by Chad Rupp/NA/WWGroup on 05/18/06 09:45 AM -----
Subject: Blackout day

IT HAS BEEN CALCULATED THAT IF EVERYONE IN THE UNITED STATES DID NOT PURCHASE A DROP OF GASOLINE FOR ONE DAY AND ALL AT THE SAME TIME, THE OIL COMPANIES WOULD CHOKE ON THEIR STOCKPILES.

AT THE SAME TIME IT WOULD HIT THE ENTIRE INDUSTRY WITH A NET LOSS OF OVER 4.6 BILLION DOLLARS WHICH AFFECTS THE BOTTOM LINES OF THE OIL COMPANIES.

THEREFORE MAY 19TH HAS BEEN FORMALLY DECLARED "STICK IT TO THEM" DAY AND THE PEOPLE OF THIS NATION SHOULD NOT BUY A SINGLE DROP OF GASOLINE THAT DAY.

THE ONLY WAY THIS CAN BE DONE IS IF YOU FORWARD THIS E-MAIL TO AS MANY PEOPLE AS YOU CAN AND AS QUICKLY AS YOU CAN TO GET THE WORD OUT.

WAITING ON THIS ADMINISTRATION TO STEP IN AND CONTROL THE PRICES IS NOT GOING TO HAPPEN. WHAT HAPPENED TO THE REDUCTION AND CONTROL IN PRICES THAT THE ARAB NATIONS PROMISED TWO WEEKS AGO?

REMEMBER ONE THING, NOT ONLY IS THE PRICE OF GASOLINE GOING UP BUT AT THE SAME TIME AIRLINES ARE FORCED TO RAISE THEIR PRICES, TRUCKING COMPANIES ARE FORCED TO RAISE THEIR PRICES WHICH EFFECTS PRICES ON EVERYTHING THAT IS SHIPPED. THINGS LIKE FOOD, CLOTHING, BUILDING MATERIALS, MEDICAL SUPPLIES ETC. WHO PAYS IN THE END? WE DO!

WE CAN MAKE A DIFFERENCE. IF THEY DON'T GET THE MESSAGE AFTER ONE DAY, WE WILL DO IT AGAIN AND AGAIN.

SO DO YOUR PART AND SPREAD THE WORD. FORWARD THIS EMAIL TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW. MARK YOUR CALENDARS AND MAKE MAY 19TH A DAY THAT THE CITIZENS OF THE UNITED STATES SAY "ENOUGH IS ENOUGH"

FPO

FPO in industry-land stands for "for position only."
it's what you say when you have a placeholder.

this post will be replaced tomorrow morning with news of anne's graduation, quality time in Ohio (sorry i didn't swing by again steve, someday i'll come knockin), and a jazz band i saw last monday.

the FPO is a waste of time, but it's just that i've had the pictures and have been working too much to want to come home and spend more time on my computer. i've HAD the picts, they're SO CLOSE and i just can't stand it anymore!!

so this FPO will be replaced tomorrow. when i get to go home. two 50 hour weeks in a row is really getting on my nerves.

interlude

i'm taking a minor break after getting some agua, i'm doing that thing again that i do sometimes where i'm asleep by eleven, up at five and at my desk by 6am, putting in a solid three hours of freelance work before officially starting my day. somehow this routine keeps me energized, instead of the 7am wake up call that has me slumping around my apartment before dragging myself to work in time to be turning on my computer at 9. getting up earlier saves me from the midday lulls, and i'm not sure how. i don't have those sleepy periods at 10am and 3pm that i've come to expect and hate.

it's so amazing to be up that early in a place with as many people as Chicago. to see Michigan Avenue dead quiet, empty like Stephen King's "The Stand" quiet, like the beginning of "Vanilla Sky" quiet, not even a cab driving by. Go upstairs - the people at Starbucks are there, illusion shattered - but up in the office it's the same thing. And I don't know where the light switches are. I'm alone in the twilight morning with my little laptop, whittling away at small projects before I step it up to my day job and turn to the desktop sitting next to me.

more updates

the dispatch movie came and went. it was fantastic.
the weekend was a ton of fun. started out by going to Muse Cafe thursday night to see Pete Francis and Craig Dreyer:

and then friday night was THE MOVIE i've been promoting for two months. two or three nights a week at the Doubledoor, Vic, or Metro, the Aragon and UIC Pavilion all got fliers. We showed the film at Park West Theater on Armitage to about 400 people... i went straight over after work to deliver the merchadise for sale, tee shirts and CDs. after setting up and getting a tour of the venue, picked up dinner for everyone and we munched up in the green room. we had some time to chill, Craig played some Tom Waits-inspired tunes for me on the guitar.

then the doors opened at 7, we had an opening band called *6:

after they warmed up the crowd, the movie showed at 8. afterwards, Pete & Craig played a short set, five songs if i remember correctly.

the show had a great vibe to it, a lot of people have been really excited to see the flick. and most of the audience were fans, so they got the jokes and were laughing at the right places, singing along and clapping. when Pete & Craig took the stage, half the audience rushed up to get a closer look.

afterwards, the crowd dwindled down until it was down to the original team: me, the producers, pete, craig, pete's manager, and the former Dispatch manager. it felt a little like the end of Ocean's Eleven when they all part ways without much decorum, a wink and a smile, a nod and it's over. i'm officially done promoting Dispatch.

of course, after everything else i slipped Craig my cellphone number and the guys called around midnight looking for pizza. my buddy jessica and i took them out to Duo on Ontario where we introduced them to some nice Chicago style deep dish until around 1:30, at which point the guys went home to bed, jessica went home to sleep, and i went to other undisclosed locations until around 5am. what can i say? i was pretty riled up. it was a good night.

updates

i've been in the apartment for five weeks. two IKEA journeys, one Affordable Portables trip, several Bed, Bath & Beyond excursions, and one jaunt to Target later the place is looking good in my little humble opinion.

i painted and put up bookshelves. i think that's what i'm most proud of - the painting happened after work, a couple hours every night for a week:

i've got my design books on the left, my other books & electronics on the right, pictures and stuff on both. the TV and laptop share the table in the middle (the screens are the same size) (which makes both the computer feel big and the TV feel small). i have creature speakers, which are definitely powerful enough to rattle the windows of this studio.

i love having all my photo frames and nick-nacks (sp?) in one place.
there are other favorites...

a friend warned me of how boring it might be to live all your apartment life in one room, but it splits up nicely. you're totally unaware of the "bedroom" half when you're on the couch.

this room is tan, where the other's green... but the light color is a sweet setting for the orange. i'm also pretty seriously considering a mural on that blank wall. i don't want anything more hanging on it, but it needs something. i'm thinking of taking the leftover paint, making it a shade lighter, and replicating an art noveau poster i've seen in a deck of cards i bought at the museum of modern art in Japan. any opinions on that one?

ps.

tiger was a great choice.
the colors on screen are actually brighter,
which i honestly didn't think was possible.
plus all the iLife stuff was upgraded and overly addictive.

LOVE IT

one of the many things i'm up to

a couple of picts from last friday's State Radio show and opening band/guy, White Buffalo. they played great sets, covered Jimmy Cliff, and basically rocked out. I got to hang with the band afterwards, they are - all hyperbole aside - they are some of the coolest people i've ever known.

White Buffalo:

and then there was my favorite band of all time.

like usual

everything else has gotten in the way of posting (like usual). it's been over a week, and it's not like nothing's happened - a lot has happened(like usual). i think a lot of it has to do with my camera being a crank again (like usual). when i don't have pictures, i feel like posts are boring. i might start posting work along with my usual stuff, i have a lot of projects going on (everybody now: "LIKE USUAL").

but yeah, everything's been vaugely good. great, even. i've been working pretty hard with Wunderman and Dispatch, and i'm planning on learning some new skills - capoeira and flash. saw state radio last weekend, going to two more concerts before the week's out. i also paid off a credit card. i feel surprisingly satisfied with myself. i'm hitting a routine, but it's a more dynamic and colorful one than before; what was a burden, a rut, felt as failing to be something better a year ago is now peaceful. there's room to breathe here. for possibly the first time ever, i feel okay about doing the same thing every day. for the first time i can remember, i'm okay with things pretty much as they are.

more later.
oh yeah - LATER WHEN I UPGRADE TO TIGER! very exciting. for those that don't know, that means my computer will be a lot better... my refusal to keep up with the times means i couldn't do some web-savvy things like watch music videos in iTunes. there are more important consequences of upgrading, but that's what I thought of first. whatever.

anniversary

this marks post #201.
the 200 mark has been reached and passed.
is that a big deal? uhhh. not really.

lamentation

last night it HAILED
and this morning it RAINED
and my SOCKS are WET
and my MAKEUP is GONE.

happy monday everyone!

sprinkles on the cupcake

i took a few picts of my SWEET BALCONY
that faces south and came with furniture.

here's a blurry one with a little context...
see the city :)

this might be too much info for some people,
but i also have the hula girl shower girl curtain...

detail for those who know, love,
and miss the shower curtain girls we had in iowa.

i really, really dig this apartment. let's just acknowledge that again.

notes

city city exhaling the city
two people kissing by the train
two people fighting at the bus
a grandmother whistles.

i lived with a girl
who said i'm intense about everything
but i enjoy it, exhaling my city windy city
THE HUMANITY its grace:
if you give something permission to shine
i find it usually tries to.

our intensity, it's so fine a thing
to laugh at no one but yourself
desiring to love on total strangers
invading your space, your mind, your heart
let the sun shine!
oh let
the sun shine in


and then, something i read this morning about protest:
"Four decades ago, unrest thrived on a heady mix of ideology and hope. The current protests are fuelled by fear and insecurity. ...The 1960s protesters rejected mainstream society. Their modern brethren are angry at being kept out."

possibly the most modern, accurate, piercing thing i've read in months.

crossing my mind

i woke up at 4am, picked up my head, ingested the orange streetlight glow on my walls. i started to whisper to myself in half-delierium as i waited to slip out again:

...i wonder if ice cream would taste different if my tongue was textured like a cat's tongue.
...i miss eric calling me at 4am with his rumbling darth vader voice.
...he never followed up with me about that bar thing. i was going to design coasters.
...my framed design camp coasters are still at my parent's house. crap.
...oh God, gary's still in China. i wonder how that's going.
...maybe my goldfish hates me. he always looks cranky.
...ooooooh. i forgot he died a few days ago. how sad.
...i like how MacGuyver is making a commercial comeback.
...i wonder what Jeff Parker is up to. i bet he's a musician.
...someday i'm going back to cambodia.
...one side of the bed is lower, and i'm going to fall off the edge of the world.
...like shel silverstein, where the sidewalk ends. falling up.
...i need to read/draw/mellow out more often. maybe get a new sketchbook.
...i'm going to eat my oatmeal out on the balcony in the morning.
...if i open my eyes i won't fall back asleep, but i WILL listen to iron & wine.
...counting sheep is so lame.

just noticing

this blog is so much better with the bigger pictures.
i'm just saying.

let's start with the fish

i've done it. i've gotten back downtown after being gone for almost a year. all credit goes to my mom for finding it, i found one apartment on craigslist.org and almost abandoned my search when i arrived on the doorstep of that nastiness. instead of going home, we picked up a Chicago Tribune and drove around the city for two days, calling people and saying "are you home? i'm downstairs and would like to come up."

after much of this, we found one man who is renting me what is in my world the best apartment in the history of apartments for lisa. here is a photo tour:

i have a fish who i've named fishy-fishy. that and "little man" are the only things i've called him. which is funny because i'm not at all sure he's a he.

my kitchen is only big enough for one cook at a time, but all the appliances are very nice and i have my own set of dishes. a very new experience for me :)

this is my now-empty living room, which will be painted a mossy green and be filled with two bookshelves and a TV stand in the middle. right now there is a little TV, a lone chair, an IKEA lamp, and creature speakers.

this is my "bedroom," which has a curtain separator. these walls will be painted a really light brown, which is great camoflauge for my deer (hiding in this picture behind the flowers on the left). i suddenly miss my guitar, which went to my friend Jason a few years ago. the guitar and the deer used to hang out. anyway.

THIS IS THE VIEW FROM MY WINDOWS.
15th floor, south facade. welcome to chicago.
the green lights way back on the right are the sears tower.

my south view rocks and i have little lights to celebrate that.

there's also a balcony, but i forgot to upload the picture of it so it'll come later... for now, this is where i see myself for a few years to come. i'm planning on having it all pulled together in time for the April 28th premiere of the Dispatch movie in Chicago, in case any of those kids need to get away for a minute, maybe my joint can be the crash pad...

on the mend

the morning after the wedding, dad got in a bike accident.
it was ugly.

he was in the hospital for a few days, but he's home now.
i took this picture the morning of mandy's wedding before i left for the hair salon; i just think it's adorable. this was before the broken bones.

dad's doing really well, he's back at work today, but hopefully he won't have to stay until 5. to quote Anchorman, he's kind of important... people know him... he's kind of a big deal. so he's roughing it for now until he gets to commandeer the couch later.

wedding/high school reunion

oh man, it was already a week ago. mandy and nick have been to their honeymoon and back, and now are on their way to virginia where they'll be for a couple years. but before that life is all up and running, there was a beautiful wedding to kick it off.

we started first thing in the morning with the hair. this was a great way to start the day because the last time mandy did her hair like this was in junior high Decembers when she needed sausage spiral curls coming out both sides in pigtails for her ballet role in The Nutcracker.

the curlers had to be removed one by one by all of us...
it was a team effort

afterwards we went over to a clinique counter at old orchard and got all prettied up. mandy's been to this counter a few times (practice runs) and this make-up girl is pretty great.

in the afternoon we went to the hotel to get ready-ready (as opposed to kind of ready) for pictures and the evening. this picture is mandy's dress hanging out with mandy's mom.

mandy's brothers are awesome and i've known them since they were little weenies and now they're all grown up and 007-ing it.

it's almost time here - mandy's helping her dad with the final touches

nick and some of his buddies are in the navy, so they showed in their spiffy uniforms. mandy and nick walked out under... i forget what it's called, there IS an official name for it... whatever, they walked out under four swords and two of the four officers are pictured here.

mandy made her own wedding toppers - herself as the bride, and embracing her role as providing a lifeline to her deep sea diver husband :)

mandy and her dad at their first dance... this is a moment of my own wedding i'm already nervous about, my pops and i on the dance floor. he's become a little weeper, which will make a total wreck out of me.

THIS is the high school reunion aspect of the night... cassie, tyler, joe, kendra. also at this table were, at any given time, at least four other new trier victims.

HAVA NAGILA
so that's the bare bones. the day was beautiful, the wedding was full of loving people, and i had to give a speech. it went well, surprisingly; i always point out conversationally that i absolutely failed my public speaking final in college because i had to leave the room to be sick. and since then, i shake uncontrollably when i have to speak in front of people and it only nerves me out more (irony at its best). when the best man was doing his speech i could feel my heartbeat in my ears and my hands were making my fork rattle on the table. when todd handed over the microphone, i looked at mandy and made a very clear decision - i began by explaining how i wrote a speech and left it over in my purse because there was something better to say.

i had a conversation with a woman in the lobby post-ceremony, pre-reception about how i know the bride. the story is that we met behind the diving board at the local public pool the summer between 7th and 8th grade. she came over to my house that day, i slept over at hers that night, and ever since we've been anchored souls to each other. so i took a clear look at my girl and explained how i told this lobby woman that at any point in our relationship, at any day that i've known her, i've known she's amazing. and watching her grow in this relationship and in the wedding planning shows me more about her and who i love so dearly and it leaves me thankful and proud to be her friend.

then i turned the attention on to nick and said "and the guy you brought home... he's awesome. nick, i'm so proud to be able to say i adore my best friend's husband."

so cheers to mandy and nick - and the whole wedding party ;)

one of the crazier weeks of my life

today is sunday. since last sunday:
1. mandy's wedding
2. dad's bike accident
3. moving back downtown.

and now i'm in bed on sunday morning, blogging for an hour before i get ready for church. as soon as the blogger picture thing is fixed, i'll post all about it.

i'm gettin back downtown

last weekend was an uproar. i broke a heart (and my own in the process) and had a crying-induced migrane (i always get headaches when i cry, but this was blindness and nausea to boot). i went over to betsy's and she made me sit still so we could watch Rent and eat pizza. i slept it off on her very comfy air mattress and woke up sunday to go apartment hunting with my parents.

and now i've gone and signed a lease...


my new pad is in the Sandburg Village. I'm on the 15th floor, facing South.

i have a balcony with chairs and eventually chamomile tea.


this wall will house my lifelong dream of having an entire wall of shelves for all my books and collected randomness from other countries... we're going to paint the wall (and the short wall with the kitchen opening on the left)... i'm thinking a mossy green.

so i'm set to move in a couple weeks from now, i'm already packing and making an IKEA trip with mom tonight. i've never owned pots & pans before, they were always given and taketh away by whomever i was living with at the time. i'm very excited to be less than two miles from work and have a SOUTH VIEW of the city!

straight from the spider's mouth

Got it from Speak Up.
this link is hilarious.

bored-ness gone away

this weekend had three major points to it... it feels like there is too much to say, so much laughing and adoration and late-night calls to owen. frosting and song dedications and strange british men; storytelling and catching up with family and now blogging in front of the fire, going back over these fresh pictures and feeling very content.

1. mandy's bridal shower

fresh flowers, fresh food

mandy and her mom

carrie's mom made the signature book
(blue fabric & seahorses to match wedding's nautical theme)

serving up dessert

this cake from Dominics has a famous side effect... everything within three feet of it turns blue. tongues, teeth, lips, fingers, clothing, floors, countertops, everything. we discovered this when we used to work summers at the Starlight Theater at Gilson Beach. one cupcake led to another, and at one point frosting dyed our hair blue. so making every person mandy loves eat it at her shower was kind of a personal victory. grown women speaking like adults with their wild blue tongues.

2. bachlorette party: Howl at the Moon

i really dig this place. i'd never been before and thought it sounded good; turns out mandy's a regular down in florida where she's been living. oops. i didn't know. it's a dueling piano bar where you submit songs - the more you tip the bigger the show they give your music - and we got them to do a triple-threat-smackdown of the three versions of "i can't help falling in love with you." this picture is the back of mandy's head (that's what the veil is all about)

disclaimer: none of us are big drinkers. seriously. i know i'll talk about bars, drinking, etc, but this is only documented because it's mandy's first shot EVER. that's how much we're not big drinkers. but anyway, we had one here and it was very good.

so this unhappy looking fellow in the middle of us women was a brit we met. he was part of a dozen guys from england who took their boy out across the pond and to chicago for some stag fun. dude, if only i could handle taking mandy out of the country :)

3. visiting madeline rose hernandez

madeline rose, aka Maddie, tiny little sleepy thing who curled up on me and slept all afternoon. it was heaven. she's so sweet. she's the two week old baby of my cousin jeff and his wife effie.