more from the new setting

today was amazing, as is every sunday. just you wait until they start streaming the sunday messages from the church's website, i'll link to every last one.


today, dave was teaching from ephesians, talking about submission and what it meant in the way that paul was teaching it. dave said, "we have amazing human rights that we fight for, we're told that not fighting for them is a sign of weakness... [dramatic pause] ...we even have to fight for our right to party."

"just making sure you're all still with me."

the big 2-5

betsy sent me flowers :)

another chapter in the dispatch story

so for happy hallmark lovers day, instead of having a boy to have fun with, i had fun with a bunch of boys at Schubas tavern... pete francis ("formerly of dispatch") and his entourage were rocking out a valentine's day show and playing some classics.


this saxaphone player, "craiggie d," is magnetic.
he's fantastically fun to watch.


and then there is pete.


this is the best valentines day in a long while :)

took off to california

after this post is the Target story. i don't really convey in it how or why i was disappointed, but after talking with julie, here's what i'm settling on as the great disappointment: my Wunderman job is not a graphic design job. it's the Interactive Coordinator, which means i kind of run the account and make sure we're on time, within budget, that kind of thing. but after not having any job last longer than six months (except the architecture firm), and with the past four months of interviewing being completed without fruition, Target would have been the ultimate validation. i'd considered it a career job, one where i could be for years. and instead i'm taking the non-design job at the place i really enjoy, where it might segue into art direction in a year or two. part of me wants to totally walk away, but a bigger part of me wants benefits and regularity. ultimately, pervasively, i'm scared out of my mind that i'm not really any good at this but almost-good enough that i can fool most people.

so to escape this cloud over my head i took off for the weekend and went to see my amazing friend and college buddy Julie. this is julie:


she's living out in san diego, where it was 75 degrees and next to the pacific ocean, two things that are the opposite of Chicago right now. julie asked me what i want to do, anything i had in mind, and instead of going with snorkling or the San Diego Zoo, all i could think of was a lyric from Counting Crows "Long December" which goes, "It's been so long since I've seen the ocean... I think I should."

so that was the big event on saturday. we got up, met up with julie's friends for breakfast, then spent three hours collecting shells and talking about life on the beach. it was the most unbelievably perfect thing for my state of mind. julie's so good with me, we've seen each other through a lot and when we're together it's like, nothing matters enough to change us. we could meet at the beach or on the moon, and it would always be us, and it would always be easy.


so i'm back in chicago now, it's valentine's day, and i'm a little more settled than i've been. my feet have put in motion again, and even if i'm not buying the direction yet, there is one and that's something. i feel like i've lost track of what i want out of life, like why am i working and to what end? which are new feelings and questions for me, i'm usually one to be all "one day at a time" and zen or whatever. i'm typically an in the moment type of person, but suddenly the 25th birthday is two days away and the next ten years are looming. and i'm scared by my not having any clue what they'll do to me.

and on that note. crazy life events have always come along rapid fire, and i'm too used to that to stay with these feelings for very long. despite my apocolyptic forebodings, i'm pretty confident the fog will lift soon.

breaking the Target silence

so, children, today let's look back over what's happened, mellow on it, and move on.

my last post was put up the day before my big Target interview. that day i flew in to Minneapolis, was picked up at the airport by a guy with my name on a piece of paper, and taken to the Raddison Hotel. it was lovely and a little overwhelming to be given a king-size bed.


i woke up at seven last tuesday morning and got all prepped up, going over my responses to the usual questions and putting putty stuff in my hair. at 8:30 i was picked up in the lobby by two Target employees, and the pair took me on a hike through the skyways, which was unfortunate because i thought we'd be outside. i had heels, an overcoat, a scarf, and we were indoors. i showed up a sweaty mess, mortified.

thankfully the first thing i had to do was take the SATs; seriously, there were math and verbal sections. now, the woman i've been referring to as Target Lady has been telling me that this is not a test, per se, but an "assessment of how a person learns." then the Target soldier that escorted me to this point asks if i had been told about this. "Not a test, but an assessment," i parrot to her. she chuckles. i flinch inside. "It's a test," she assures me. "Then the last part is a personality test." i flinch again. then i sit at the computer for about an hour and click my way through fractions and reading comprehension.

after my non-test testing, i've regained some composure and have my first interview. i meet with the creative manager, who looks startlingly like Silent Bob. he's very nice, engaging, shows me a lot of what Target is up to, and explains the job. i'm totally buying it. we chat design and part ways another hour later. it's now about 11am. Target Lady and i finally meet, she's gorgeous and seems very fun. she's very encouraging, but keeps asking me "how it's going" and i'm not sure how to answer. to say it's great might be cocky; to say it's not is weird. so i go with a humble middle ground, saying i'm enjoying myself and enjoying learning about the work. she seems satisfied by that.

she took me up to see Silent Bob's boss, with whom i discover i have much in common. we're both from Chicago, have lived in Boston, and she's familar with three of the firms on my resume. all good signs. we have a very lively conversation in which i explain how i've had so many jobs in so little time, and how that's led to me either being entirely cog in the system corporate or a solo flyer. i've never led a team, and looking back i think that, ultimately, was my downfall.

Target Lady picked me up from boss-lady's office around 1pm and she walked and talked me to the front door. we expressed the usual closing remarks, nice to meet you, thanks for the opportunity, etc, and she told me to call Friday for an update if i didn't hear from her by then. at this point i'm realizing that i'll know by the end of the week what my next big direction will be. Wunderman at this point had given me a soft offer, laying out the package for me but not asking me to formally sign anything until the big dogs in New York approved the deal. so as i said to my HR person at Wunderman, this was not a plan A / plan B situation, but two plan A situations. it would be decided this week what would happen.

i bummed around downtown Minneapolis for a couple hours, got some lunch and called some people from a Barnes & Noble cafe. i wasn't feeling particularly confident about everything, but hearing myself talk about my work helped me realize that even if i don't get this job, i might still be a worthwhile designer.

i called the transportation company and had them come get me at 3:30 instead of the arranged time of 5pm. i got to the airport early, got to my gate, got comfortable, and read for a while. the flight home was uneventful, my mom was there to get me at O'Hare and we talked about everything on the way home. the next three days were pins and needles, i was high strung and paper-thin as i tried to imagine every senario. some of my good friends at work asked about things, and i made a point to avoid speculation, promising to share the news when it came.

thursday there was a voicemail on my phone, Target Lady asking me to call her back. the last time Target fell through, i received the rejection on a voicemail, so i assumed this might actually be the call with the offer. Friday i called back and she said they enjoyed meeting me, enjoyed my energy and passion, but were looking to go in a different direction. they were looking for someone with other experience. "Other?" i asked. "As in, more experience, or difference experience?"

"Well, different, I guess," Target Lady offered.
"I didn't get much feedback from them."

which was, to me, almost insulting. if you don't tell me where i'm lacking, how can i fill the gaps? tell me what's wrong, so if i really want to work there i'll fix it and call you again. instead, Target Lady suggested i keep checking the Target site and let her know if i see anything else i would want to apply for. Target Lady is "my recruiter," after all.

right. like i want to get strung along a third time.
that's kind of unfair, i won't deny it. i totally am taking it personally that they are HUGE and maybe can't pay attention to every little thing.

it's funny, though, now that i've accepted the Wunderman gig (still a soft thing right now, but hopefully in about a week the ink will be dry) some of my friends are telling me they didn't see me as a Target person in the first place. and i'll admit, some things about Target are frightening. like that the building they occupy (the one of eight i was in) is run like a city, with it's own dry cleaner and post office. it's very button down and professional, meanwhile i'm sitting here in my jeans and pumas. i think this place suits my personality more, whereas Target's work would suit me a lot more. right now our clients are Applebees and Jack Daniels, ConAgra foods. i would have loved to have clients like the Target House.

ah, well. that's the Target story.
heartbreak on valentine's day, it's so poetic.

I LEAVE SOON.

last weekend was awesome.
visiting my sisters is always magnificent because they are so beautiful and sparkling and their friends are so nice and hug a lot and buy me drinks and talk to me about marketing. seriously, like three in-depth conversations this weekend about the finer points of target marketing. while drinking. and during the day saturday, our family celebrated dad's birthday and my impending one by painting a serving dish at one of those places where you glaze it and they fire the clay in their kiln. it was awesome.

but on to today. this week... i got to work early again today, half the office is out of the office dealing with unrelated matters (off-site meeting, death in the family, just plain sick, etc). and i'm leaving IN ONE HOUR for the interview that might change a lot of things. very, very scared. my eye started twitching today. i just need to think of this like i think of other interviews, like deal with it as though i'm just going in to chat, imagine that there are no reprecussions. have no expectations and nothing will let you down. which doesn't mean i'm not hopeful, i am very hopeful and excited. but i can't psyche myself out any more today.

wow. tonight i'll be in Minneapolis.

birthday bash

to retro-post, i'm going to show a couple of highlights from the
miami univeristy weekend of birthday fun:


anne found us a dinner spot that was up on a mountain. mountains in ohio, you ask? it was awesome. it's this somewhat quaint town (i forget the name, sorry!) with a narrow roads and nice pubs. this restaurant is a former potter's factory, and the tables are situated inside what used to be the kilns used for firing the clay. so each table is in this little brick enclosure and they're all painted in bright colors and have their own acoustic quirks – like the one we were in sounded like everyone was wearing microphones when you stand in the doorway.
AND they served water in mason jars. that's a cool point right there.




after dinner we bummed around, freshened up, and met up with a bunch of my sisters' friends at a bar where a sweet college cover band happened to be playing obscure grunge songs that were my favorites in early high school. like Toadies "Possum Kingdom". i was under the impression that i'm the only person who remembers that one. and THEN THEY SANG HAPPY BIRTHDAY to my dad and i, which was hilarious.

so it was the usual fare, dinner and drinks with the family.
happy birthdays all around.

delirious

gave in to the cherry coke.
it's fantastic.

i scheduled a nap:
five hour drive to ohio has room for at least one nap.
BRING ON THE SUGAR BOMBS
THERE'S ROOM TO CRASH TODAY!

:)

my world is self-destructing

for the past three days:
get up at 5am
leave for work at 5:40am
get to desk at 6:45am
status meeting at 9:15am
lunch around 11am
meetings from 1-4pm
home around 8pm
phone calls 8-9:30pm
bed 9:30pm.
rinse, repeat.

today's mayhem is sponsored by Starbucks Iced Green Tea. It's the only thing keeping me fresh right now. i found out yesterday that the vending machine in the office kitchen i've never seen before carries CHERRY COKE (awesome), but the last thing i need today is a sugar bomb. i have the butterball site to map out, i'm momentarily procrastinating by blogging about it, and if i ingest any refined sugar i'll need a nap. and that's just not in the schedule.

also keeping me fresh: upcoming trips. and lots of 'em.
2/3 - 2/5 ... miami of ohio
2/6 - 2/7 ... MINNEAPOLIS
2/10 - 2/12 ... san diego!
2/16 ... my 25th birthday. that's a trip, believe me.
2/18 - 2/19 ... mandy's bachlorette party (downtown)
pictures of everything to come...

GOOD MORNING!

good morning and happy monday.
let's start the day off right.
i've been tagged by steve, the coolest kid in town, and must tag others as a result of it.
everything on this list will be linked over my lunch hour :)

here are my 4s:
Four jobs I've had:
- Wedding Photographer
- Security Guard
- Stage Manager
- Drug Counselor

Four Movies I can watch over and over:
- The Big Lebowski
- Pi: Faith In Chaos
- Metropolis
- On The Waterfront

Four Places I've Lived:
- Chicago
- Boston
- Iowa
- the SS Universe

Four TV shows I love:
- The Simpsons
- Buffy the Vampire Slayer
- Six Feet Under
- Arrested Devleopment

Four places I've vacationed:
- Florence, Italy
- Havana, Cuba
- Capetown, South Africa
- Osaka, Japan

Four of my favorite dishes:
- salsa
- cornbread
- grilled veggies
- frosted mini-wheats

Four sites I visit daily:
- Threadless
- BBC News
- Speak Up
- Newstoday

Four places I would rather be right now:
- up a tree
- on a mountain
- on a surfboard
- walking around the chicago loop

Four bloggers I am tagging to fill out this meme and do something productive with their life:
Joe, Cassie, Jon, Allison

you start with a bottle...

one elegant answer to the Champagne Challenge, brought to us by Design Within Reach. i watch for this contest every year because really; what better reason to crack open some bubbly? these chairs are so cool.

pushing it

i'm getting more comfortable with editing the HTML in blogger. i added lists today (what i'm reading & listening to) down the sidebar. those links will be updated often and link right to amazon so you can check stuff out :) recommendations always welcome!

this is like, not something to write home about to any web designer, but i'm kind of excited i didn't break the whole thing...

pre-valentine

peatree
Originally uploaded by faithful nomad.

this "holiday" sometimes requires preparation, that's all i'm saying.
and i've only had one valentine ever, so maybe it's time to try something different? or i could just pick up some glitter and have fun that way.

this cartoon is from peatree, and it's very cool.
they have free e-cards too.

where to?

feet at the summer palace
Originally uploaded by faithful nomad.

some very excellent stuff going on.
Wunderman is offering me a job friday.
and i'll know by then when i'm flying up for my final Target interview.
(today i recieved the confirmation call that i do indeed get to go.)

in other work:
still working on bike jerseys for the architect bike team
starting a website for a painter
starting a multimedia press kit for elias fund
AND GET THIS
got a call last night from someone i haven't talked to in a year, who might be opening a bar and needs someone to do the comprehensive design. and my career having been what it is, i was able to list off the top of my head the people i would bring in to do the environmental design, the print collateral, the identity management, and the web site.

i'm starting to wonder if i should daydream about putting together a design team. i even have a business manager, unless my dear friend decides to move to austin TX, which looks pretty likely right now.

anyway. still not believing anything unless it's in front of me on paper. but things are really moving along nicely... like, wherever i will be a month from now is completely unpredictable. i literally do not know what next week will bring, but it will define everything after it.
(wish me luck)

alana

alana
Originally uploaded by faithful nomad.

this is what she looks like when she's less bored
and more indulgent of me taking her picture.

my cousins megan and alana

my cousins megan and alana
Originally uploaded by faithful nomad.

meg, alana, uncle kevin and auntie di were in town this weekend from michigan - these are the cousins i was talking about the weekend i was at the ohio / michigan border and my camera was broken... now you see why i wanted to take their pictures, these girls are amazing looking even when they're BORED (alana, on the right).

new setting

new setting
Originally uploaded by faithful nomad.

our church outgrew our building so we now meet in a local school auditorium. which we're outgrowing quickly. it's all very hermit-crab-like but with fewer crabs and more Jesus freaks :)

jon, our worship leader, decided to bring us back to our chicago roots and teach us some blues this morning, which is a great way to start the day.

giving the sake the jazz fingers

giving the sake the jazz fingers
Originally uploaded by faithful nomad.

apparently this makes the whole process more, shall we say, magical. for those that don't know, sake bombs are when you balance sake on chopsticks over a glass of beer, then pound the table to make the sake fall into the beer. then you down the whole thing in a couple swallows and try to ignore the taste it leaves behind in your mouth... thankfully i'd had a martini and a half by this point and was excused from the saki :)

dinner at chen's

jenna and scott at chen's
Originally uploaded by faithful nomad.

chen's on clark is this classy chinese restaurant where we had dinner. brad set up a reservation for sixteen of us and we had a feast underneath the sweet blue lights pictured here.

plan S

grad school.

learn flash.
reemerge and make band websites for all eternity.
slowly climb out of grad school debt for rest. of. life.
which would still be so much better
than flailing around for months like i've been doing.

hurry up and wait

just talked to miss Target. she asked me about my interview. apparently mister Target was worried that i am too oriented to the NFP side of things - she said "we want to be clear that we are a for-profit" and i was like, "yes, i'm not going to sell all my possesions and live in the mountains, i want to work. i'm a city girl. i miss things the NFP world doesn't offer, like budgets."

i feel like this hold i have there is precarious. like they know i seem pretty good but they want to make sure they can't get something better. like they're looking for someone more marketing oriented, maybe more agressively bottom-line and less relentlessly cheerful. but little do they know, I'M RIGHT HERE. DESIGNER OF YOUR DREAMS.

i'm still scared.
between Wunderman and Target, sometime in the near future i will end up somewhere in the spectrum of [unemployed entirely] and [dueling job offers, one being significantly better than the other].

miss Target told me to call tuesday and that's when i'll finally find out if i'm actually getting on a plane or if i need to work on my plan B. which by now, this many plan B's into the job hunt, is like my plan R.

little victories

fixed the picture missing on "no woman, no cry" post. see me at my most high school-est. wait, i'll save you the scrolling: it's not pretty. i look at pictures like that, condemn myself as frumpy, and thank God for all the plucking my eyebrows get these days.

enough about that.

more on target when i can pry my heart out of my mouth. a million thanks to everyone today who listened to me pick apart the minute details of the twenty minute interview that left me with no understanding of where i am in this process.

but i'm very sure they want to fly me in.
not sure enough, though, to say so positively.
but mister Target loves my work? that much i can say with confidence....
the worst part of interviews, for me, is my "chance to ask questions." cause i am TERRIBLE at it. i'm such a snotty optomist that i don't anticipate things i'll need to know, and then i ask stupid questions because if i don't ask anything they'll think i don't think ahead or something. which, let's be honest, i don't. i throw life's ribbons in the air and watch them flutter while they land, and then i read the patterns.

c'est la vie, non?

how do these things happen?

i definitely have the super mario brothers theme song in my head, complete with the sound of the coin count rolling down when the level is completed.

seriously. i wasn't allowed to play nintendo, ever.
eh?

prounounced schte-fann book-er

link to a great design presentation.
Stefan Bucher, who i've seen give this presentation twice, has now made his words of wisdom available to the general public.

also, the picture that should display below (in the no woman, no cry post) isn't displaying. i'll have to fix that after work tonight... sorry.

no woman no cry

i had the most interesting conversation last night about regrets and what we do to each other that seems to make sort-of-sense at the time but later on becomes this festering bruise you can do nothing about. this picture was taken in 1998, these are the people I hung out in high school. i can name each one for you, i can tell you grade school back stories. but to be depressingly honest, i can't tell you much about their lives now, and more to the point, what i might have loved or hated about them eight years ago. i don't remember all the little parts of our whole.

i do have some regrets, it's impossible not to, but mostly i'm the type to realize that if we meditate on who we were when we made the decision, it made sense at the time. in other words, "if i could only go back..." i'd still be that person i was then, and i'd probably pull the same shit with the same consequences.

if i could give out one healing comment, one thing to say to people i've let down, it would be that i can see now the ways i was immature. i understand now what i didn't have the capacity to say, where i should have said please, where i should have said no, where i should have said if you tell me you love me i won't leave. where i could have confronted instead of backing off. where i could have kept my mouth shut and didn't. one time where i did keep my mouth shut and the next night, he died. i've gained and lost a lot over the years.

i'm only now in my life starting to realize how my mistakes shape me differently than my successes. how, as it was put in Vanilla Sky, without the bitter the sweet won't ever be so sweet. i've always felt the weight of decisions, the decision to leave iowa, to go to boston, the decisions towards money, towards posessions, towards travel, towards building a life i never thought i'd have.

and now with the upcoming possibility of minneapolis, and the upcoming birthday – 25 next month – last night's conversation was well-timed. i feel like all my baggage is in a garbage truck and i'm poised over the big red button to unburden it. where will it go? what will stick to the sides, unyielding? i am almost healed.

being sneaky

there's been movement on Target.
talked to Target Lady today
we're going to schedule the interview
tomorrow or monday.

(i'm whispering)
(so i don't freak out too badly)

i love che and all, but...

i'd like a new quote for the headline of this blog.
any suggestions?

bad, bad, bad

i looked. i tried not to, but i looked and i drooled and i try so hard to stay above this consumer BS but if i won the lottery today this is the first thing i'd go nuts over. i would LOVE a total upgrade. my Powerbook G4 is my little child - i call him Napoleon (not dynamite) - but poor little Napoleon buzzes loudly in a way he didn't a year ago. and all this iChat, Tiger, widgets, FileMakerPro Trial, all this and more are enough to make me think about how if salaries work out, maybe in a year i can go nuts. i think i can hold out that long. maybe if i enroll in some kind of program i can hold off on the temptation of widgets.

also not helping: how cool the movies / projects are that come out of Madhouse. corporate world is hard sometimes, especially when i might be moving over to the account side of things for a while. i wish i could have a DESIGN studio... i wish i could do anything as quickly as i can think it... i hate that it takes me hours to do a website, or to get that logo just right, or whatever. i love that as soon as i hear something, my mind's rolodex starts spinning and building and then visual expression starts pouring out from the subconscious to the frontal lobes.

i love graphic design.

YOU WON'T BELIEVE WHO CALLED

it's been quite a while, and i think it's in part due to my lack of a camera... this year for no clear reason i can think of, i had no desire to take pictures on christmas OR at the new year. i was pretty bummed about missing a camera when we went to try on bridesmaid's dresses for mandy's wedding, but what's a person to do. other than get a new camera. it's the American way.

but things have been going pretty steady for a while now. i'm still living at home and still itching to not be doing that, through no one's fault but my own sense of independence. last weekend was good, some girls and i hit the MCA and then House of Blues for Bottle of Justus. but the work, oh, the work. some crazy things are happening:

last thursday i was called into HR woman's office. she had a tone in her voice that had me worried, but turns out it was her excitement about the possibility of a position for me at Wunderman that would be the interactive coordinator, a person who works with account execs and creative types to make the big picture run smoothly.

MEANWHILE
target called.
the same day i talked to Wunderman HR woman, my other friend at target called, the one who i thought i would never talk to again. she was chipper as usual, and told me i'm being considered for a more senior position in the same community relations group... hopefully this week i'll have a phone interview with a Target Man... and then if that goes well, i'd be flying up next week for the in-person face-to-face interview. if THAT goes well, then i'll start packing.

MEANWHILE, this week
just finished a logo for Nebogroup
going to design jerseys for my dad's bike group
going to do a website for a painter we know
working on an Elias Fund press kit
still whittling away on my own website

MEANWHILE
i have a cold and am seriously hopped up on ricola.
and must be stopped.
:)

HAIR. GONE.

IMG_2741
Originally uploaded by faithful nomad.

fourteen inches sent to locks of love, which is a win-win deal: some child somewhere gets a wig, and i get hair that isn't a perpetual ponytail.

exterior illumination

IMG_2728
Originally uploaded by faithful nomad.

this is a two-story reindeer that we found driving around looking at lights. i think it's the highlight of the evening (OH! no pun intended!)

benny the bull

IMG_2724
Originally uploaded by faithful nomad.

i love when he divebombs the crowd

halftime ballet show

IMG_2702
Originally uploaded by faithful nomad.

i didn't think you'd believe me without some kind of documentation.

lebron

IMG_2693
Originally uploaded by faithful nomad.

i'm so close to the court that i could throw something and hit him. not that i would, A) i'm not violent and B) i'd get frogmarched out of there and it would probably be televised.

commercial break

went to a bulls game last night.
had SECOND ROW SEATS.
don't ask me how. but there will be pictures later.

in the meantime:
short films that explain who i am and what i do as a designer.
better than any sad little impotent try at this manifesto, anyway.

armin vit's stream of consciousness presented by veer
interview of milton glaser presented by hillman curtis
interview of paula scher presented by hillman curtis
interview of james victore presented by hillman curtis
the shell movies presented by the fine fellas over at madhouse

starbucks line was too long for coffee

so now is "next week" and i'm still employed, but for how long? at least friday, so that's nice. and this saturday i go back to Borders (never gave up that job, but had to leave for two weeks for Wunderman) which means working Christmas Eve. [insert deep sigh here, wondering if this is all worth my time]. i'm sure my sleepy-ness is impacting my post this morning, i just don't sleep enough and i'm somehow convinced that if i keep it up long enough i'll condition myself to only need four or five hours to run. so far... not working like i'd planned.

depending on Common to keep me all awake, which thankfully is doing the trick. him and Mike Doughty, former frontman of Soul Coughing. have we all listened to Haughy Melodic??? it's unbelievably good. like i can't stop listening to it even when i deliberately try good.

AWAKE AWAKE AWAKE!
gonna go get some water.
come back later.

gonna keep on keepin on

i think that title's a quote from dazed and confused. anyway, i FINALLY got confirmation yesterday that today's my last day at Wunderman, land of the lovely monkey work and home of the marketing Titans that i absolutely love being around.

yesterday was unbearably annoying. that's an exaggeration, because i did bear it and it wasn't so bad. but it was the day of the office party, which meant every employee got some door prizes (zip up hoodie, lunch, awards party) and they set up a mini golf tournament AROUND THE OFFICE. that was awesome. one hole involved hitting the ball onto THE ELEVATOR and going upstairs. it was a par 5. but you know who didn't play? that's right. me. the freelancer. too bad i only had 90 minutes of actual work the whole day (which i kind of saw coming). on the other hand, i got paid to be there - wasn't sent home as i'd expected - so i brought in my laptop and had some of my own personal work fun. take that, par 5!

then the office had a real party and they all got smashed together. this morning there's a table of Burger King (Wunderman client) greasy breakfast to take the edge off the collective hangover, and any crankiness i had at yesterday was totally alleviated when i witnessed the Parade of Rampant Hangovers. now THAT was funny.

after listening to the confessions of last night's fun, i swung by one of the top people here to let him know today's my last day again. this guy, who i won't name, has always been someone who i secretly thought if we were the same age and in the same environment we'd totally be buddies. but since he's probably twenty years older than me and a family man, he sits in his corner office and i stop by and we just make each other laugh. he's so cool. so i stuck my head in to say goodbye, and - even though this time working at Wunderman i only talked to him twice - it was the most satisfying conversation i've had here. he was openly surprised and disappointed to see me go, and told me he was impressed while i was here and hoped to see me around again soon. and then someone was at the door so i scooted out - which worked out great, since that killed any chance for awkwardness.

just now i had to pause because an HR person stopped by to tell me COME BACK NEXT WEEK. i am still. employed.

all this and more before 11am.

song of the day

"Carnival"
Our Lady Peace/Clumsy LP

still snow on the ground

yes, yes, yes it's FINALLY DECEMBER. it's finally white season. for those that don't know: in chicago there are three seasons -- mud, sun, and cold.

hmmm so last night i went to a Braddigan show back at Schubas Tavern, which was strange to be back in the same place for the same musician after what's come of it before. i didn't actually hang out with mister B this time around (my nana sighs with relief because talks with Brad lead to other countries), and it occured to me that i've just now known him for a year. in that year this blog began, and there was moving and job quitting and movies and owen and sunburns and marketing strategy and not-for-profits and many, many children. many of them stoners. many of them very sweet kids out to have a good time. case in point: last night i was the 24 year old among 19 year olds. i felt really old when the kyle working the merch booth asked me to get him a beer. "WHAT?" i yelled above the music. "ROOT BEER" he said, overemphasizing the words so i could lipread in the back of the room.

i'll be 25 in february. i feel old. but not tired old, like the good parts of old, liking what i like and who i like without wondering how it measures on the cool person's scale of cool things. standing up for myself a little more. trying to streamline who and what gets the best of my attention... i've started sketching little studio apartment layouts, anticipating my Great Imancipation which probably won't happen for six months but maybe sooner? maybe this Wunderman thing will work out in the long term. i interviewed to work on a new account yesterday, which went brilliantly. then a buddy i ran into last night at Schubas is apparently an old dear friend of one of my bosses, one that interviewed me. so who knows. i'm still tired of saying "who knows," but i feel better about it at least.

on a wholly different note, i made the cookies i was talking about a few posts ago. they turned out GREAT, so if you want some email me your address and i'll hook you up with some yummies.

record setting

i have a friend who spends half her year as an anthropologist in the Himalayas and the other half teaching at Berkley. she once made fun of me for loving four wheel drive, claiming that her moutain home was the only justifiable reason to get that kind of power in your wheels.

meanwhile, this December 8th was apparently the biggest snowfall in years. got stuck in my no-wheel-drive-machine three times.

maybe that's why it took me FOUR HOURS to DRIVE HOME tonight.

that's right. four.
one for each wheel drive i don't have.

spoonful of sugar for the bitter pill

target fell through.
my heart is broken.
now let us never speak of it again.

starting the job search fresh on sunday.
and baking Christmas cookies.
i will hibernate for a few days
and reemerge renewed.

but for now, i'm sorely disappointed.
it sounds like it would have been pretty sweet.

j'ai pensé j'ai oublié tout

there's a FRENCH guy SPEAKING FRENCH to his wife in the cubicle next to mine and i am SHOCKED at how much i understand of the conversation!

it's very mundane. he's asking her to find the keys at the house so he can go on his trip later to seattle, telling her what cabinet to open, etc. so whatever, the POINT is that i haven't studied french in about eight years and now i want to go to the Alliance Française de Chicago and take french classes. i found the AF Chicago when doing a project with AIGA Chicago and it's such a neat place. they offer cooking, language, travel groups.

anyone wanna come with?

feeling silly and altruistic

Sesame Street says:
today was brought to you by the letter R
and the number 3

Wunderman says:
today was brought to you by the songs of Modest Mouse
and the shortcut "indent to here" (shift + apple + \)

set 'em up and knock 'em down

this past weekend was a mess. it all began with trying to take a group to the museum of contemporary art... out of thirty invites, NO ONE showed. which is surprisingly very understandable when we consider the facts: it's money, it's the holiday season, it's snowing, it's cold out. moral of the story: we're rescheduling for january. it's the first fridays program, so there will be other chances unless i move again.

which is still a major possibility. i called miss Rachel at Target, and we're setting up the times for me to have a phone interview with the hiring director, who will determine when to fly me up to minneapolis for the big in person interview. already nervous. let's be honest about this. nervous nervous nervous. if this works, i'll have just about everything i'm craving right now: stability, income, apartment, city to explore. if it doesn't, well, square one is never a terrible place to be.

i'm itching to get some real work going. i'm loving Wunderman, as demonstrated, but yesterday my computer wouldn't OPEN FILES and the IT kids were down here from 8am to 2pm trying to coax it back into working condition until one was almost in tears from frustration and they looked at each other, looked at me, looked at evil grey box, and decided it was time to get me a new machine.

meanwhile, i charge six freelance billed hours to admin.
rock on.

i work on a team of three right now, i'm like the loose-ends-kid (as opposed to the Sundance Kid) and if Kawi (pronounced cow-ee) has his ducks in a row, there are no ducks for me today. i am jack's waste of space (obscure fight club reference, for those who miss it).

last weekend did have some shining moments... went out with mandy, who is the coolest person on earth. she's getting married in march, asked me to be her maid of honor, and we went out to get started on this tuxedo thing. more on that in the months to come :)

contact sheets

more reasons i'm spoiled today:
- got a ride to the EL from mom this morning
- although my wallet's gone, my security badge was easy to replace
- we share music here, and i'm listening to the Daily Show audio book
- i also listened to common, kings of leon, and gypsy kings today
- after doing the contact sheets, now i get to choose picts for layouts
- which means my job is E-A-S-Y today
- and i'm still making three times what i do at Borders

spoiled. rotten.

i'm working right now (literally, RIGHT now) with wunderman chicago, which was my first job out of college and is to date still the best paid and most stable place i've sat in front of these machines that run my life.

today i'm sitting on the fifteenth floor, overlooking michigan avenue and laughing at the kid two cubicles over who found his nerf gun was not so broken as he thought. i've been here since last monday - four days now - already i've been asked to a movie and to lunch. the people that are still here from three years ago, all of them at least act happy to see me except one guy who was a real buddy of mine before so he's freaking me out a little. but this job is so comfortable, it's such a nice change of pace. it's easy monkey work, which is why i left in the first place, but now that i've gotten that creative freedom, i realize the beauty of the mundane. i can save my creative juices for the pro bono projects at home. today at work i'm making contact sheets, which means i take pictures, make them smaller, and grid them page by page so we can print them as a reference to what's on a CD. so a CD of picts comes with an index (the contact sheet) and i'm making the sheets. dig?

part of what makes this place rock are the cubicle setups. we sit in groups of four, each person has three walls with the fourth open to the middle, and these things are like little playpens. we throw things at the other groups, and because we are typically seated by project, there are territory lines drawn and inside jokes in the playpens. in our crib, if you will. this place has the best environment EVER, which is why i fought a little to get back in here.

let's not kid ourselves though, of course i would PREFER to have a creative job over a monkey job, one where i can take the creativity to work for clients i care for - that's the collective dream of design, i'm not alone here, but at the same time we all kind of know that it's one of those pedestal dreams and the prize exists only in theory. but the possible Target job is a step closer, which is why it's so ideal. the guy at Target i need to do the final interview with gets back to the office tomorrow, so i'm not expecting to hear from him until next week. check back for details :)

my favorite family pict

my favorite family pict
Originally uploaded by faithful nomad.

this isn't "the" end result, but "an" end result of me taking the family photo this morning for the christmas card. the one we're going with is similar but not as fun. seated left to right: me, mike, anne, laur, jenna. there are a whole series of these, but this is my favorite by far.

ah, THAT TREE

ah, THAT TREE
Originally uploaded by faithful nomad.

the picture is blurry, unfortunately, because i was trying too hard to get this content expression on jen's face (cousin-in-law sitting at the fireplace) and took the picture before the camera had a chance to focus all the way. anyway, that's our monster tree pre-ornaments, and the back of papa's lovely head in the foreground.

so the day after thanksgiving, in our family, is a hangout day but also the day to decorate the house! so we started with the tree and the famous leftovers meal. then the mass napping, THEN the boxes and boxes of snowmen, santas, nativity scenes, lights, etc etc etc

getting the garland home

getting the garland home
Originally uploaded by faithful nomad.

we actually tried (and achieved!) tying the, what, eight foot tree? to the top of the JETTA and got laughed at by the guys working the nursery. the garland made it to the back seat with me and my sister anne. we managed it just fine, thank you very much...

soon after i decided that if (when?) i move to minneapolis i'm gettin' me a jeep. with a rack. for to carry the big things.

morning after

Taffy Apple in her natural state
Originally uploaded by faithful nomad.

Taffy Apple in her natural state. the day after thanksgiving should be the national leftovers napping day. that's all there is to it.

party on Dakin

party table
Originally uploaded by faithful nomad.

not sure if that's how you spell it. Dakin street is a block north of sheridan and irving park, a street where a trio of wonderful men live that are the college buddies of my cousins. they all know each other from University of Illinois. if i'm downtown and it's not church-related, chances are i'm with these boys and chances are i'm not getting home until 5am.

so there was a party tonight, a tree trimming party where the attire was declared "business casual" and everyone brought ornaments to decorate the boys' tree.

bobble head collection

bobble head collection
Originally uploaded by faithful nomad.

of all shapes and sizes, a fireplace mantle to be proud of...

the legend of the kimme brothers

the legend of the kimme brothers
Originally uploaded by faithful nomad.

they have indeed hit the status of legend.

luke, i mean... the vest...

luke, i mean... the vest...
Originally uploaded by faithful nomad.

he claims he got it as a gag gift from a party.
we all play along, but we know better.

tarantino's

tarantino's
Originally uploaded by faithful nomad.

so, tarantino's, spoken and spelled in the fashion of Quentin of Kill Bill Tarantino, is a fantastic restaurant on Armitage. had a "date" with my dad and a friend in which we met for drinks at the infamous Tiny Lounge and then wandered over to Tarantino's. this is like, one of those places that i take people when i want to show off and thought i'd share the picture.

goodness, the company

goodness, the food
Originally uploaded by faithful nomad.

my friends Aimee and Shonda held a Thanksgiving dress rehersal last night and it was fabulous. i haven't done a downtown dinner, like small dinner party with friends, in months. everyone brought food or wine, we had all the thanksgiving treats! eight of us sat down and shared a meal for about three hours.

it was a simple, sweet time. we decided to offer our collective martha stewart-ness to the church to plan the Christmas party, and we decided after two bottles of wine to go to africa together and work in orphanges for a week every year for the rest of our lives. these girls are fantastic. the night was fantastic.

we broke up around ten (it was a school night after all) and i ran over to Horseshoe on Lincoln and Irving Park because, get this: my cousin's--boyfriend's--sister's--ex boyfriend has a bluegrass band that plays there thursday nights. no cover! great music. got home around 12:30. no borders today, so the job hunt is back on.

in other news: possibly news on target soon.

wonderful girls

wonderful girls
Originally uploaded by faithful nomad.

good wine, good friends, good food

serving up pie

serving up pie
Originally uploaded by faithful nomad.

shonda, grace, and jenny's arm

if you say so

okay, okay. comments are back on. sheesh.

just in the nick of time

this job search thing, it's no fun. no fun at all.
until yesterday.

got a call from Target, THE Target, Target HQ in Minneapolis, and i'm going to find out this week if/when they would like to fly me up north for an interivew :) i had a phone interview last monday with a woman named Rachel who was so nice (as they are all up there. exhibit A: Design Camp). the conversation was so good that it ended with me saying, "I don't want to show you all my cards here, but i'm really excited about this."

so after all the places i've applied for full time (abbreviated list):
VSA Partners
Mobium Creative Group
Wunderman Chicago
Leo Burnett
IA Collaborative
Point B Communications
Mauge Associates
The Morton Arboretum
UR Chicago Magazine
RUSH Medical Center
Smith Design Co.
Tyndale House Publishers
Random House Publishers
Phaidon Press
Alfred Knopf Publishing
MTV
Cartoon Network

and after applying for part time jobs:
(being offered each one, thankfully i had options here)
Paper Source
Crate & Barell
Borders

the winner could finally, possibly be within reach.
this means moving to minneapolis. it means a lot of things. but like always, i'm pretty ready for the impending shift. i got really excited about it today. i was at office depot getting an accordian folder - i have one every year to keep my credit card statements, pay stubs, etc organized - and i was like, this coming year's expenses will be kept in this thing in my hand. i have the year in my hand. let's see what we do this time around. then i got VERY EXCITED

i heard on the radio that it's going to snow tonight after midnight, probably from three to six in the morning. which also has me smiling. i LOVE SNOW and i wish i still lived downtown to watch it streaming out of the sky like God doing an art project with a kindergardener who likes to pile on the glitter.

you won't even realize it's gone

because of the incessant unsolicited advertising going on in my blog comments, i've decided to remove them. we weren't getting much use out of them anyway. if you're reading this and saying, "what is she talking about?" it's because i try to delete them as soon as i see them. i find these ads repulsive and don't want anyone else to say, "oh, there's a comment! let's see what it says" only to click and see a link to, say, hair growth hormone therapy. and since none of them will give me a break, i will take one.

if anyone really, really wants the comments option back, email me and i'll turn it back on :)

state radio

state radio
Originally uploaded by faithful nomad.

my all-time favorite band was in town last night. owen got my sister and i on the guest list (THANK YOU, btw). the set was fantastic. chad actually had a bit of a cold, so his voice was a little more harsh than usual... maybe he doesn't realize that it's not necessarily a bad thing for their music! they played my favorite song in the encore ("keepsake") and i got to hang out with chad and the entourage afterwards - chad is one of the dispatch boys i worked for last summer. it was really great to be able to talk to him without the whole dispatch backdrop, just two people talking on the street. state radio is my favorite because it's more than music, it's a belief system i'm agreeing with. it's about promoting educated decision making and standing up for something, realizing what we have to stand up for, putting into motion the desire to do so.

this totally suits the revolutionary side of my personality.
in case you can't tell.

chad was asking how i've been since coming home from Boston and i told him that things are fine, i love being back in chicago but can't find work and started up at Borders. he suggested that i start building a niche for myself in musician websites, which i agreed would be great but secretly felt so inadequate... i'm not a web designer. that's the bottom line. i just don't know the programs to do it quickly enough to offer anyone something for money. it's like this: i can art direct, i know enough to say "make it look this way, make it do this, etc" i can talk with a programmer very well. but until i can do it, it won't be enough to go out on my own.

pretty sweet, though, to know that someone i admire thinks i'm talented.

end result: i'm starting to look at grad schools.
web, video, motion graphics, here i come.
more on this later.

state radio

state radio
Originally uploaded by faithful nomad.

another pict from the show.
more available on my flickr site (click on the pict to go there)

zox

zox
Originally uploaded by faithful nomad.

zox was the opening act. they're pretty sweet too. that kid on the left is playing on an electric violin, which sounds like a guitar most of the time until he actually plays it like a concerto and it sings like you're used to a violin singing. either way, it's amazing.

major major, et al

i just saw the most amazing play. my auntie melissa has been an actress for a few years now and her plays keep getting better and better. tonight was Catch-22 at the Steep Theater. it was shattering, an arresting example of minimalist set design and precision casting. i can honestly say it was one of the best shows i have ever seen, ranked up there with seeing "A Midsummer Night's Dream" in South Africa and "Agnes of God" back at Drake University.

if you can see it, GO SEE IT. Steep Theater is one of those cool places that make a person feel all cultured and in the know, a hole-in-the-wall where the play takes place three feet from the audience in folding chairs. the actors sweep up afterwards. it's like, all about the love of the game and they play the game with brilliance.

ode to halloween

twenty mintues ago:
two thirteen year olds knocked on my door
knocked so hard the knocker cracked
wore no costumes
offered no tricks nor treats
asked for handfuls of candy
were denied
took the bowl and RAN.
SERIOUSLY: wtf?

anyway. i ran out to walgreens and i pleaded my case to this guy, asking "do you have any big bags of candy left?" and the guy was like, "uh, if you were here yesterday" and i was like "i just TOLD you my story. they RAN OFF with everything. like JUST NOW. on HALLOWEEN. which is TODAY."

all tricks, no treats. until later, which is now, which is when i'm waiting for more costumed ankle-biters and watching Psycho on the Turner Classic Movies channel. Norman Bates rocks my world. Poltergeist is on next.

one for the money

started a job at Borders today.
it's not so bad.

i get a 33% discount (y'all are getting books for Christmas. act surprised when you get them). i spent most of the day playing with the Christmas card display, i was assigned to take them all off the shelves and put them back on in a way that looked good - very natural thing for me to do. so that's cool. all in all, i get eight hour shifts and if i were paid about three times what i am, it would be a dream job. i get to chew gum, wear jeans, and read books. this suits me very well for now.

addtitude... improving...

four parties and one church service later

yesterday was 0oooooooodles of fun
roscoe and i planned this architecture meet-and-greet for some of my boys and some of my dad's friends. i didn't even know this, but the four guys who bike with my dad are all partners and principles (and in one case a co-founder) of the architecture firms they work for! and the boys that came over were two students and three young professionals. we had cocktails and pizza and talked architecture all afternoon. it was nice and crisp, so we built a roaring fire in the fire pit and chatted about business structure / education / risks / industry trends / ADA compliance.

then we went out for halloween night... somehow everyone in chicago is more friendly in costume. i think the winner of the night was Rich in his mullet wig (impromptu costume that outdid many thought-out ones) and i was not such a winner in one of the least creative costumes in the history of costumes... trench coat, aviators, and a fedora. but Rich had everyone going when he claimed to be a hockey player during the lockout :) we hit four parties before the night was over ;)

my goodness, i didn't see the couch until 5am. then got up at 9 to go to church... i'd signed up some time ago to help with communion... plus my grandmother was in town from toledo, and i love taking her to church. it's really good bonding! and she is devastatingly sweet. afterwards i introduced her to Shonda and Aimee, and a few mintues into it she excused herself and when i looked up i saw that she was introducing herself to my pastor! so Pastor Dave got to meet Nana Helen. nana just wanted to tell him how much she enjoyed the service. she's ADORABLE.

riots in the streets

okay, okay, the white sox are suddenly after eighty-five years the best thing that's ever happened to baseball. let's move on.

i watched the game at Guthrie's with some church folks post-Bible study. which is always fun, the way that we go out for a beer after talking about faith. and the people rock, one of them is a professional saxophone player! so i went to drop off fellow artist-friend jessica afterwards, she lives down by damen and agusta, and there were people in the streets and hanging off cars and DRUNKEN MADNESS. people were screaming and lighting firecrackers and spilling out into the street. it was hilarious, other than the fact that i was in my dad's BMW and worried someone was going to try some funny business. it seems every third person sat on the hood while crossing in front of me. what can i say, they needed a break. that's a long walk across damen? right.

renee and rob

renee and rob
Originally uploaded by faithful nomad.

double whammy fun

blackhawks vs the minnesota wild

blackhawks vs the minnesota wild
Originally uploaded by faithful nomad.

sunday was great. went to church, hung out with betsy, then went to a hockey game with rob and renee who are two college friends of mine. they are so amazing because each of them are amazing, and together they're super duper double whammy amazing. our seats were in the front row of the third balcony where we could see EVERYTHING. the game was great, i forget sometimes how much i enjoy hockey. now i want season tickets. the traffic and crowd were easy too, because of that pesky baseball series that was over at Comisky Park... i got home just in time to catch that GRAND SLAM, how sweet was that?! i don't even like baseball and i was jumping up and down.

today was full and fast paced, just the antidote for my recently talked about sourpuss state. crankytime is now fading, thankfully. time to work on the manifesto.

feet on the EL

feet on the EL
Originally uploaded by faithful nomad.

i just can't explain it. i feel amazing when i'm downtown. everything seems so much lighter and easier. i feel so free. it's where i go to, you know, do things and be somebody.

echoes

the closing remarks of every interview i've been on.
the same every time.

"you obviously have the talent, your work is diverse and original. i think you would fit in here. everything sounds great, but unfortunately we have no capacity to hire right now. we'll keep your name at the top of the list, though, because projects always pop up and we like having an arsenal of talented people."

thank you, interviewers, but more than i need compliments I NEED A JOB.
is this some kind of codespeak that i don't understand? like when someone breaking up with you says "it's not you, it's me" but what they really mean is "it IS you, jackass." is that what i'm getting here and not realizing it? i need work. i'm going to apply to crate & barrel retail this afternoon. their marketing doesn't want me, maybe their furniture department does.

any advice here would be welcome. anyone know of any design firms?

cranky

i have been ignoring this blog for way too long because lately, my attitude about life has been for crap. i think there's a very distinct point at which i started being a crank and it's when i came home from boston. i keep referring to this past summer as an absolutely wonderful deliberate de-railment of everything i had become. but the awful truth is that in exchange for a minor notoriety among a select group, i threw away some independence and, you know, adulthood that i am missing desperately right this second.

no regrets, though, still even now.
i've been and done a lot to end up empty-handed.
to quote cake: how do you afford your rock and roll lifestyle?

i've gone prodigal son (yes, i mean daughter) and left with a full pocket only to return with an empty one. and i see my mother's disappointment when she's looking at me, and it alternately makes me feel sorry for myself and resentful of her because how easy it must be to look down upon me from the golden tower of a successful life. i'm still back at that place making the decisions that are building my tower, thank you very much. the foundation is only now being laid.

i'm only twenty four years old. and yes, right now i'm a crank because i'm STILL unemployed, i owe money i don't have, i just today found new health insurance because I GOT SCAMMED BY DIRECT BENEFIT SERVICES (so humiliating). today my mother took me out and helped me find a new cellphone plan and new eyeglasses, and it was simultaneously the most generous and discouraging thing that's happened since the plane ride from boston. i feel like such a loser. sometimes it can't be helped.

the point, ultimately, of the blog was to be honest all the time about what i'm going through. right now, this is it. this is all i know how to be right now, and i'm desperate to grow and change. i'm back at that "anything goes" choice platform, and people are suggesting relocating to minneapolis, relocating to san diego, relocating to north carolina. i have friends in all those places to help me along. but i can't shake this desire to live in chicago, to work towards living in the loft i've dreamed of since i was nine years old, to be a museum "regular," to get into the music scene, to develop the friendships i have here, even though there's a competing desire to get into samana buddhism. or maybe i'll just keep telling myself i'm cool and worth the trouble, i'll just keep blowing smoke up my own ___

Samana: contemplative. This word is derived from the adjective sama, which means "in tune" or "in harmony." The samanas in ancient India were wanderers who tried through direct contemplation to find the true nature of reality -- as opposed to the conventions taught in the Vedas -- and to live in tune or in harmony with that reality. Buddhism is one of several samana movements. Others included Jainism, Ajivakan fatalism, and Lokayata.

new music

i discovered Common today.
holy smokes.
www.common-music.com

andie, lisa, allison

andie, lisa, allison
Originally uploaded by faithful nomad.

also wonderful about camp: where i reconnect every year with two lovely college girlfriends of mine. they're awesome.

papermaking workshop

papermaking workshop
Originally uploaded by faithful nomad.

so this conference is like any other; workshops, keynote speakers, 325 attendees, your name on a badge. this particular conference has been around for 25 years now and i've been going for five. anything more i can say about how cool it is would just be redundant to all my friends, who hear me talk about it all the time :)

design camp

last keynote speaker
Originally uploaded by faithful nomad.

otherwise known as the apex of my design year.

having two fathers

for people who don't know me, or seldom see this side of my personality, let me explain: i act like a person who "is more spiritual than religious" but after putting some serious thought and study into it i have chosen my faith to be my constant place of solace. i will NEVER tell you what to believe or how to believe in it, but i also won't be ashamed to tell you about my beliefs. in fact, i love hearing about what people believe because it sharpens and strengthens my beliefs, and that's important. the day i close my mind is, in effect, the day my life stops growing.

last thursday i met with my pastor for coffee. we talked for the first time ever, really, and it was cool to find so much in common with the person who has been leading me spiritually for the past three years. i wanted him to know where i was coming from as a person and as a Christian, so i told him my "how i came to love God" story. jon suggested i tell it to the congregation at the next service, and i flinched. i warned him that in college, i threw up during my public speaking final. at that final i had to LEAVE THE ROOM to VOMIT and after hearing this jon was still like, you're cool. it'll be okay. give it a try.

so this morning, i told this story to three hundred of my fellow church-goers and it was amazing. absolutely terrifying. i had a paper with me, i went up after being introduced and my hands were shaking so badly that i almost dropped the paper i was going to read from. i said good morning and informed the congregation that i would simply read because of my lackluster speaking abilities. and as i read, my voice shook and my hands shook and i was scared out of my mind.

but near the end, i stepped off the page and gave a closing remark that i hadn't written. suddenly my voice cleared for the last twelve seconds of my story and i looked up and people were smiling. they were encouraging. i ended with explaining how i can trust in God's love for me because i can clearly see how things were given to me early on that prepared me for the terrible things i went through later. i know that i was prepared to survive, and prepared to be strong in God's love and grace. and i was shocked to get applause! that was pretty new to me.

this is my LIFE. this life has been saturated and heavy and full of everything. it's all been a gift, and i frankly never thought i'd live this long, which makes that even more of a present of love from the Lord. when i don't let my ego get in the way, i wake up smiling because i've seen the dirty false shit side of love, and i've seen the freeing trancendent simple love, and without the former i would never recognize and appreciate the latter as much as i do.