nowhere to go but up

broken things surround me like cotton on my skin
MAN DOWN. i call my laptop napoleon because i secretly believe that it can take over the world without my help. i found out that you can't sell my computer in several countries because it is technically a SUPERcomputer. today, napoleon officially started to bite the dust. i'm posting from my mom's presario POS b/c my dear silver bullet is sitting across the room with his orange creepy screen. i have to apparently clear off the hard drive and reinstall everything. my worst electronic fears have been realized. i have to mess with the inner workings of napoleon, and the apple kids at the "genius" bar aren't going to help me. it's outside their jurisdiction. wonderful.

my digital camera needs replacing. not fixing. replacing. but i've said that several times already. sorry for the redundancy.

my cell phone doesn't work out here in the magical land of glenview, so when people call me it's a tease and i can't pick up or else they will think i'm hanging up on them. people have been offended, it's no big deal. friends, who needs 'em. wait. i totally do. that's why i call them back on the house line if my phone even registers that there's someone calling.

today i started a part-time job at the Paper Source and i'm upset tonight (ah, the reason emerges) because they all think i loooove it there and i'll work there forever [insert "the shining" twins here]... forever... but in reality i'm just biding my time until crate & barrel interviews me tuesday and offers me a job. then i'll have a great decision to make: mobium vs. crate & barrel in a knock down drag out cage match, who can give the better offer? the suburban desk job at the global homegoods megastore vs. the crazy little downtown marketing firm That Could. fight to the death. last job standing gets me, the wild card designer who's willing to bribe via a currency of baked goods and pirate smiles.

i just feel terrible about Paper Source. it's really not a bad job, there's nothing wrong with it. it's not the job i hate, it's being in a place where i need this job for money. i hate living at my parents' house, i hate being in the BORING suburbs, i hate that i'm in this state of waiting for my real life to begin. but wait, THAT'S IT.

THAT'S WHAT'S GOING ON. i think about this job, any job, and i realize that working today made me just feel numb. what happened today? nothing. no-thing. people came in, some of them bought stuff, they left, i parroted "can i help you with anything" for hours. i am so understimulated, and that's why i'm having such a hard time these days. that's why i travel, why i volunteer, why i like church, why everything with me always ends up with an element of drama even though i'm not dramatic: i get so bored so quickly. without my computer here, what is there to do at home? watch TV. i need to get downtown so when i go for a walk, i can see more than the same block every day. every time i feel my routine starting to form, i derail my train and do something crazy that puts the rest of my comfortable little life at risk.

what am i here for? what's around the corner?
it's ironic because i really, truly desire to feel settled. to feel peaceful. but there's this malcontent inside me rearing its ugly head and saying DON'T YOU DARE stop moving until you've actually moved.

church tomorrow morning. that will make me feel better, like it always does. nice company, good learning, sincere hugs. all things that ease my soul (no pun intended).

No comments: