lack of motivation

it's feeling awful lonely today.
today is one of those days where my program quits and i lose an hour of work. i have absolutely no desire to be here. why don't i just go learn some flash and do the work i want? because there is still life going on. ten hours a day on the computer at work doesn't make me rearing to go back to the laptop when i get home. it takes years to learn a new program, and i desperately want it to take a week.

i love being social, but every day this week i have something totally planned and i'd like to hit the gym at least twice. then the week's over - what about saturday? when do i get to see my grandparents? my cousins' children? sunday is church, more social fun that unfolds for the duration of sunday. i love it, but when is there really time for flash?

i want to get to the point where i can build a website in eight hours of hard work. where i can incorporate streaming music, clean graphics, maybe even a message board. i want to, before i'm thirty, be able to survive off of my own creative skills. maybe that's my realistic goal. i have musician friends right now who need what i want to be able to do, but if i'm patient enough i'll realize there will be new bands in five years, and the people i want to help now will need updating by then. i feel frantic when i don't really need to and it's amplified by my frustration at this machine that quits when i want it to save. thanks for nothing, OmniGraffle. thanks for feeding my lame karma this morning!

i'm totally surprised by the intensity of these feelings right now. i talked to an ex-boyfriend the other day, one of those wierd late night "just to say hi" calls that is made only to feel the other person out, but for the love of pete i can see right through it. so he asks how everything is going, and i very sincerely answer, "good. everything right now is just... really, really good." and it is.

but still. onward and upward.
Christ. (shortest prayer i ever uttered)